Like Father, Like Daughter… One Can Only Hope.

My parents attended a wedding of some distant relatives a few weeks ago up in Santa Barbara. The wedding was held on the beautiful California coast, at a classy, upscale hotel. From what was described to me, it was one of those picturesque perfect nuptials - a well-funded dream wedding, glossy magazine pristine.

My father was outraged.

The next morning, I’m sitting at the dining room table munching on rice and meat, watching I Love Lucy. My father is rambling on loudly about the expenses incurred in the planning and execution of this picture-perfect wedding. My father rambles on about a lot of things on a day-to-day basis, so this isn’t unusual or cutting into my concentration on Lucy Ricardo’s first attempt at babysitting.

“ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS, my girl! Ay, can you imagine?! One hundred thousand dollars for a wedding!” He laughs in disbelief, pacing next to the table.

I am reluctant to engage with him. This conversation could go in a bunch of different directions – and with my smart-ass mouth, those are potentially bad directions:

Scenario 1:
Me: “Don’t worry, Dad, I’m not ever getting married.”
Dad: “Ever? Why?”
Me: “Because I’m a big DYKE!”

Scenario 2:
Me: “Marriage is a stupid, patriarchal institution. I don’t believe in marriage.”
Dad: “You don’t believe in marriage? Then your child is going to be a bastard!”

So, I humor him, and in between bites of fried rice I say, “Yeah, weddings are expensive nowadays.”

“One hundred thousand dollars, girl! That’s five million Philippine pesos!”

I grunt an impressed grunt and continue to chew while Ricky Ricardo reprimands Lucy for buying a new hat. Irritated that women are always made out to be shopping-hungry spendthrifts.

“Can you imagine all that money!”

If Lucy Ricardo were financially independent she wouldn’t be in this ridiculous situation.

“Five million pesos, girlie!”

Oooh, Lucy gonna fuck Ethel!

“If that were me, I would have sent that money to Darfur to help those people there!”

I wasn’t sure if I heard correctly. All thoughts of Lucy-fucking-black-and-white-50’s-kama-sutra gone, I say, “What, Daddy?”

“With that money we could have built a clinic in the Philippines where people can go for free! So much money, girl, for that wedding in the five-star hotel!

I wouldn’t have done that. No sir, if that were me, girlie.”