"Irrational thoughts should be followed absolutely and logically." - Sol Lewitt
Preferably riding a sea monster.

10.06.2009

Stupid Pet Trick! Phys Comp Week 5

It is October and the burgeoning autumn is filled with the gorgeous purples and reds of fall leaves, fields of pumpkins, clear nights, crispy air, and THE COMING COLD. The upcoming months of celebration and Thanksgiving makes me think - what about the homeless? What can I, with an arudino and LEDs do for the poor and without shelter?

Then an idea came to me: What if Hobos (Hoboes? Hobi?) could keep themselves warm?

For my first stupid pet trick I was going to create a Hobo Warmer.

I sewed a thermoster, a sensor that senses heat, into a pair of gloves.















I then hooked up the gloves to five LEDs that will light up one at time the more heat you generate while rubbing your hands together.















Before I used the gloves, I tried it with one LED to make sure it worked.

Pet Trick Test! from Krystal Banzon on Vimeo.


Below is a video of my Hobo Warmers and the code I used to program the arduino.

Hobo Warmth - My First Pet Trick from Krystal Banzon on Vimeo.


CODE:
int potPin = 0; // Analog input pin that the potentiometer is attached to
int sensorValue = 0; // value read from the analog sensor
int led0 = 3; // PWM pin that the LED is on. n.b. PWM 0 is on digital pin 9
int led1 = 4;
int led2 = 7;
int led3 = 8;
int led4 = 12;

void setup() {
// initialize serial communications at 9600 bps:
Serial.begin(9600);
// declare the led pin as an output:
pinMode(led0, OUTPUT);
pinMode(led1, OUTPUT);
pinMode(led2, OUTPUT);
pinMode(led3, OUTPUT);
pinMode(led4, OUTPUT);
}

void loop() {
sensorValue = analogRead(potPin); // read the pot value

// map the sensor vaue from the input range (400 - 900, for example)
// to the output range (0-255). Change the values 400 and 900 below
// to match the range your analog input gives:
int brightness = map(sensorValue, 26, 27, 0, 255);
analogWrite(led0, brightness); // set the LED brightness with the result

int brightnessMore = map(sensorValue, 29, 30, 0, 255);
analogWrite(led1, brightnessMore);

int brightnessEvenMore = map(sensorValue, 31, 32, 0, 255);
analogWrite(led2, brightnessEvenMore);

int brightnessMost = map(sensorValue, 33, 34, 0, 255);
analogWrite(led3, brightnessMost);

int brightnessBest = map(sensorValue, 35, 37, 0, 255);
analogWrite(led4, brightnessBest);

Serial.println(sensorValue); // print the pot value back to the debugger pane
delay(20); // wait 10 milliseconds before the next loop
}

PAST LABS:

Electronics Lab















All right! Testing voltage with a micrometer.















Video of my breakthrough figuring out the servomotor using a flex sensor!



Working hard with my girl, Lisa Maria.















Shoutout to my boys Benji and Garrad!















For more pictures of the all night work party, click here!

9.30.2009

Lab 3 - Electronics Lab

I put together my DC power jack and I hooked up the jack and what I think is a voltage regulator to to my breadboard.





















I plugged the DC jack in to the 12volt power supply. Then I started to smell burning.

I thought, "OMG. What have I done?"

As I was looking around my circuitry, I felt heat coming from the voltage regulator, and when I touched it, it was very hot. I immediately unplugged the power supply, undid my wiring, and discovered that I melted my breadboard.
















Questions:
*Why did this happen?
*How did I do this?

Also, during this exercise, before I realized what I was happening, I was using the multimeter to try and check an LED on the board, and no reading was coming through. Why?

Still figuring it out.

9.22.2009

Fantasy Device!















My fantasy device is a Universal Translator. It would be like a cell phone, with a screen, a keyboard, and an internal microphone.

The computer would hold all the languages in the world in its reference. If a person is going traveling, or speaking with someone who speaks a different language, the person would put on headphones and the Universal Translator would "listen" to the person, translate their words, and through headphones you could hear machine translate the conversation for you.

If the person with the Universal Translator is trying to respond in the foreign language, they would type their word or sentence into the translator, and on the screen the translation would appear. It would be like a quick and handy pocket google translation (but better).

Lab 2 - Pot and Flex. Yum.

I worked with a potentiometer. I made it work!


Then I tried to work with a stretch sensor, but I couldn't get it to work. I decided to use another sensor.














I moved on to a flex sensor.


















My sad little flex sensor and LED. I got it to work, to dim and get brighter, but I couldn't figure out how to make the light go off all the way. I am still trying to work out the coding part to bring logic to these machines. I am beginning to understand the circuitry, but making the computer talk to the circuitry I am having a hard time with. Keep on truckin,' keep on learnin.' I need several afternoons with few shots of espresso by my side while I spend some quality time with "Getting Started with Arduino."






9.15.2009

PhysComp Sensor Walk

I have to admit, this was a little difficult because I'm not used to looking at the world this way. I go about my life pushing buttons, stepping on things, and walking around without paying any attention to the doors, lights, and general machinery that are reacting and interacting with my body (and my body to it). I can sense my perception of my surroundings already beginning to change just within my first week at ITP. (Sidenote, I wasn't able to take many pictures because I didn't have a camera with me.)

On my commute to Tisch this morning I began to think about the different sensors that I come in contact with. There are the buzzer buttons on the door to my building, and outside there is a motion sensor light that comes on when someone approaches the door at night.

Getting on the subway, I noticed the MTA kiosks and their touchscreens, the swipey-card turnstiles (are those sensors?), the emergency stop button in the subway cars. Walking in the world, I thought of the CVS automatic open doors that slide out of your way when you step on the mat. I thought of traffic lights and how late at night some of them don't turn green unless they sense a car waiting. I noticed the buttons on the elevator, the buttons on the key code to the ER room, and the motion sensor lights in classrooms.

Now I'm super aware of doors that I have to push open and things that don't change when I interact with them. I'm sure there are sensors everywhere, and I just don't know where to look or how to classify objects. I'm looking forward to changing my worldview to include an awareness of technology, and dealing with sensory overload.

Arduino Lab #1 - Send In The Clowns!














It's always hard to know when to really go for it. You think she likes you, but you never know. If only you got a green light. Literally. Like, a green LED light to blink if there is that magical chemistry.

Well, I can't program Arduino to sense pheromones (yet!) but I can make the light blink if you get close enough to some chick's face, and if you're both wearing clown noses.

The first Physical Computing assignment of MY LIFE was to set up a microcontroller to make an LED light up. I had never heard of any of these words before I took this class - but hey, trial by fire, right? I didn't want to mess with noses first, so I began with a button.

Following the syllabus, pictures, and schematic pretty carefully - I figured out how to hook it up to a button, so the yellow light would be on until you pressed the button, then the red light would be on. I'm being purposely vague because I don't really know what I did, I just know I did it. Go me.














Then, I wanted to add some sass to this baby. I thought, what if I put metal on the tips of a pair of clown noses, and those would serve as a switch for the light?

After chatting with some other awesome PCompers, some other ideas occured - something about a magnet switch, which would allow only one nose to be wired. Something about magnets and window alarms. Cool, but I didn't have one of those.

Then Corrie suggested what if the noses themselves lit up? I thought that was a great idea, but I didn't know how to execute it. So she drew me a diagram.














After attempting to put LEDs in the foam noses, realizing I didn't buy extra replacement noses in case I destroyed one, and also thinking that I didn't have time to really figure out if this was going to work or not, I decided to stick with my original idea: The Clown Love o' Meter.

Clowns need love too. Clowns are sad.













So, instead of using the button as a switch, I used two pieces of metal.














Now knowing that the metal was going work, I then poked holes in the noses and hotglued the metal to the tips of the noses. I wired the noses to the breadboard and the Arudino. Then I tested it! Success! After a few tries.

I didn't wire the noses directly at the tip (foam is a temperamental material!) so it took a little nuzzling to get the green light to go off. Nuzzling can be fun and interactive, so it wasn't too big of a problem.

Check out the video below for some hot clown action.

Clown Love from Krystal Banzon on Vimeo.

An interesting epiphany: I didn't realize how interaction can be so playful - I mean, I know we talk about it all the time at ITP, and I know that "playful" is something we all hope to be, "play" is a verb we want to put into practice, and "playfulness" an attitude that we strive for. It wasn't until I was trying to smash my nose into my friend Jenny's face, how we were forced to break our personal space bubble, and when I had to grab her head to face me because we kept missing on closing the switch, that I realized - wow, something other than a finger to interact with something, or someone, can make something really fun. Things that struck me: using body parts other than hands, interacting with another person (as well as the computer), and breaking personal space.

Acknowledgements:
-- Corrie Van Sice for her patience, advice, and diagram. She had the unfortunate luck of sitting next to me in the PComp lab through all of this.
-- Arturo Vidich for videotaping
-- Noah Waxman for going through the steps with me
-- Yea Bin Diana Oh for inspiration
-- Jenny Logico (below) for being my guinea pig!














-- And a shout out to Lisa Maria for being your bad Nica self!














Clown blooper for your enjoyment:

Untitled from Krystal Banzon on Vimeo.

9.14.2009

Proof.

Some pictures of my new life, my first week in grad school!

ITP - The Beginnings!

9.09.2009

It's Been A Long, Long Time.

Damn.

Yeah, so its been a year since I finished my Fulbright in Manila, and two years since I started this blog. What a journey. This blog began as "Striving for Praxis" - because that intersection between theory and practice was what I was looking for when I left to go study theatre in the Philippines in August 2007.

Sidenote: I'm a Fulbright Alumni Ambassador, so if you're interested in help with your application, or want to know more about my experience go here: a YouTube video interview by IIE about my experience (I can't *stand* this video), and my essay on Fulbright application tips.

Since then, its been a wild ride - I directed a show (check out photos on my portfolio), traveled through some of Southeast Asia, moved to New York City, been hustlin' by babysitting, working random laborious gigs, and assistant directing shows in NYC. All the while, I've been living and loving life (including the down, dark, periods - and there were some, trust me), meeting amazing people, and working, sharing, and collaborating with them.

Two years ago, I was looking for the link between theory and practice. I had just left the love of my life, Smith College, with a BA in Government and Women's Studies, and I wanted to be a theatre director. Armed with post-colonial theory, feminist knowledge, American race and cultural studies, and one full-length play under my belt, I was ready to find a way to bridge academia and art. If that wasn't challenging enough, I was going to do it in the Philippines. On a Fulbright. While "finding myself" as a Fil Am and rediscovering my history, heritage, and culture! Go me! I was going to crack open the world!

Then the world cracked me open.
Like a fucking egg.
Not one of those awesome salty purple eggs that are tough and resilient.
I was a thin-shelled, pesticide-ridden, sad, non-organic cage-fed chicken egg.

Needless to say, the world gave me a well-deserved bitch slap and it hurt like hell.
Then I moved to New York City, (because one smack down wasn't enough), and found myself surviving. Then, soon after, thriving.

I found myself changed, calmer, humbler, growing.

I realized that so many decisions I had made in the past were driven by what was "right," and the insanely high expectations of myself were motivated by fear - fear of failure and hurt. I began to realize that failing, and surviving, was my best success. Now, I find myself gaining a truer, more honest and genuine confidence.

Which brings me to where I am now, and why "Striving for Praxis" has been renamed "The Center for Sustainable Foolishness."

Two years later, I am beginning to learn to bridge the gap between theory and practice, ideas and art. I am starting my first year at NYU's Tisch School of the Arts, in the Interactive Telecommunications Program (ITP). ITP is an interdisciplinary program, a playground for artists and technologists to come together, learn from each other, and create things with our (and each others) brains and hands. I've only been here two days, and it is a magical fucking place. I have very little background in technology and new media, but I am so privileged, excited, and eager to learn to make things that I cannot even yet imagine, with creative people whose interests and disciplines are diverse and wide.

My first day of school, my morning class involved learning to wire a microcontroller to an LED and make it light up. Then, my second class of the day lectured to us, "poetry drives you, not hardware."

I am so happy to be in an environment where I have so much learning to do, that I have no conception of what I can make and what I am capable of. It is freeing.

I am inspired by this quote:

"Start a huge, foolish project,
like Noah.

It makes absolutely no difference
what people think of you."

-Rumi

I've renamed this blog because I'm ready to be a damned fool.
I want to make mistakes and look ridiculous. I want to make bad decisions, freak out, cry, move forward, and learn and grow.

This will be where I will be posting my work, projects and ideas from ITP.

Thank you for witnessing my transformation from a true and sad dolt, to a joyful playful fool. Enjoy!

5.01.2008

Two Weeks to Opening!

In celebration of the 60th Anniversary of the Fulbright Program in the Philippines, the University of the Philippines – Diliman, Department of Speech Communication and Theatre Arts and the Philippine – American Educational Foundation (PAEF) present Rody Vera’s Filipino Adaptation of José Rivera’s Marisol.

Marisol is a surreal tale of an apocalyptic Philippines, a Manila on the verge of collapsing from the pressures of poverty and violence. The play revolves around the character of Marisol, whose guardian angel leaves her to survive in a world that is dangerous and falling apart, without the protection of her faith. The themes in Marisol ring true to a present-day that is local as well as global.

To commemorate six decades of international exchange and mutual understanding between the United States and the Philippines, Krystal Banzon, 2007-08 American Fulbright Student Scholar directs this original adaptation of Rivera’s Puerto Rican/American play, in collaboration with an entirely Filipino cast, design, and production team. The cast is made up of eight talented artists, Marjorie Lorico, Mailes Kanapi, Nicco Manalo, Sigrid Bernardo, Virgie Sorita-Flores, Tao Aves, Miela Sayo, and Chic San Agustin. Set design and poster design by Lex Marcos, technical direction and lighting design by El Abquina, sound design by Roxanne Pagdanganan, costume design by Sigrid Bernardo, and the stage manager is Hazel Gutierrez.

Marisol
runs from May 14-17, 2008, 7pm at the Teatro Hermogenes Ylagan, Faculty Center, UP Diliman, Quezon City. Admission is free. Seating is on first come, first served basis. Please arrive early to ensure seating.

A show not to be missed.

3.27.2008

Great News! The 60th Anniversary of the Fulbright

Our production of Marisol has the honor of being one of the events to celebrate the 60th Anniversary year of the Fulbright Program in the Philippines! To commemorate sixty years of international exchange and mutual understanding between the United States and the Philippines, Marisol will have a gala performance the evening of May 16, for Fulbright alumni and other special guests. We hope to have guests from the U.S. Embassy at the performance, as well as any incoming U.S. scholars that have arrived. We look forward to getting together to celebrate this honored and prestigious tradition.

Established in 1946, the Fulbright Program aims to increase mutual understanding between the peoples of the United States and other countries, through the exchange of persons, knowledge, and skills. (http://www.iie.org)

“May sakit ang sanlibutan, Marisol…. -- Anghel

In celebration of the 60th Anniversary of the Fulbright Program in the Philippines, the UP – Diliman, Department of Speech Communication and Theatre Arts and the Philippine – American Educational Foundation (PAEF)

present

MARISOL
By José Rivera
Filipino Adaptation by Rody Vera

Directed by Krystal Banzon
2007-2008 American Fulbright Student Scholar



May 14-17, 2008 at 7:00pm
Teatro Hermogenes Ylagan, Faculty Center, UP Diliman.

2.25.2008

And Our Cup Runneth Over...

We were in rehearsal this afternoon working on Act I.1 when an awesome delivery was made. A great big thank you to The Family of Cristina and Ramon Mendoza for this amazing donation. We have enough caffeine, sugar, and liquids to keep the cast of Marisol going through the long hours - five cases of Coke Zero, two cases of Wilkins Bottled Water, and ten cases of Eight o'Clock FunChum Apple Drink!

The ourpouring of support for Marisol has been more than we could have asked for. Thank you all for your belief in this project.

We are still inching our way toward our minimum financial goal of PHP 200,000! If you would like to make a financial donation, click on the PayPal donation button in the right hand nav bar.

If you are in the Philippines and interested in making a material donation (GLOBE phone cards) or in sponsoring a specific part of the production (program, poster, post-show reception) please contact me and we can discuss other ways for you to help!

To read more about this project and what Marisol is all about, click here:
"Why Marisol?"

2.16.2008

A Great Donation!

Marisol is all set for rehearsal thanks to this generous donation by Daniel Mendoza and Family! I can now say my actors won't starve (they're practically Actor's Equity with this kind of treatment! Joke lang!) during long, intensive rehearsals.

We've got a lifetime supply of Sky Flakes, Nescafé, styro cups, and napkins. Maraming, maraming salamat to the Mendoza Family.


Donations come in all sort of shapes and sizes - cracker and coffee shape, cash/check/credit shape, lovely break-a-leg email shape, complementary massage shape... ;)

But if you're just so eager to help, but you're so far away and you can't go grocery shopping with me, you can click on the PayPal DONATE button in the right hand nav bar! Any goodness of any shape and size will forever be appreciated.

To read more about this project and what Marisol is all about click here: "Why Marisol?"

2.15.2008

And it Begins!....

This week marks both a halfway point AND a beginning!

The Beginning: On Monday we had out first read-through of Act One of the Filipino text of Marisol, and it went great! The cast, writer, and I are working collaboratively to flesh out and negotiate how tone and character context change from the English version to the Filipino version. The whole thing is still a work-in-progress, and we are all excited about the fantastic possibilities. Already a cast member had commented on how beautiful it is to be able read something in your own language.

The Halfway Point: And, if you have been following the blog, you know that we've hit the PHP100,000 mark in JUST A WEEK.

Thanks to amazing donors like you, we're halfway to our minimum goal of PHP200,000. The support, both monetarily and otherwise, that has turned out for Marisol has been amazing. I deeply appreciate all the wonderful emails and good vibes being sent all the way across the world. The show is gonna be phenomenal because of all of you. This network of international support is something I hope to develop into a network of international collaboration someday. Thank you again for all your good energies.

Please help spread the word! If you know of any friends who have enjoyed my past work, or want to support a good cause, please direct them to this site. I hope more of you can be a part of helping us reach our goal by donating to the production budget of Marisol. A donation, no matter what size, will help tremendously. Please click on the PayPal donation link in the right hand navigation bar to make a contribution!

To read more about this project and what Marisol is all about scroll down to the blog entry before this or click here:
"Why Marisol?"

Thank you all for your support and generosity.

Maraming, maraming salamat!
Krystal

2.04.2008

Krystal's New Project - "Marisol"

What in the world is Krystal up to now?:

Marisol by José Rivera
Filipino adaptation by Rody Vera
Directed by Krystal Banzon

May 14-17, 2008
Teatro Hermogenes Ylagan

In collaboration with the University of the Philippines – Diliman Department of Speech Communication and Theatre Arts, Dulaang Laborytoryo, the J. William Fulbright Program, and the Philippine-American Educational Foundation (Philippine Fulbright Commission)


How is this connected to her Fulbright research?:

The scope of my Fulbright research in the Philippines is to examine contemporary Filipino theatre and examine and identify the ways that theatre is used to strengthen Filipino cultural production and address, pinpoint, and communicate contemporary Philippine issues. During the opportunities I’ve had to watch and participate in theatre during my time here, I’ve seen that current issues affecting the Philippines – the Diaspora, globalization, political and religious extremism – seep into Filipino theatre, in the same way that any art form reflects the life, culture, and context it is surrounded by and created within.

Since my research deals with questions and themes surrounding contemporary Filipino theatre, I thought one of the strongest ways to pinpoint exactly what contemporary Filipino theatre is (what it could be made of, what it would address, how certain issues translate and transform in Filipino culture today) would be to create a piece of it.


What is Marisol about?:

Marisol depicts a surreal world of violence and contradiction, religious and political revolution, and the disintegration of deeply held beliefs. The play revolves around the character of Marisol, a Puerto Rican woman whose guardian angel leaves her because God is becoming too old and senile to take care of the world.

Marisol’s guardian angel comes to her in the middle of the night saying, “The Seraphim, Cherubim, Thrones, Dominions, Principalities, Powers, Virtues, Archangels and Angels… are going to kill the King of Heaven and restore the vitality of the universe with His blood. And I’m going to lead them”. The Angel then leaves Marisol to survive in a world that is dangerous and falling apart, without the protection of her faith. Throughout the play, Marisol journeys through an apocalyptic urban landscape searching for her lost friend, June.


And what exactly is Krystal doing with this American play in the Philippines? Why Marisol? Why not a Filipino play?:

Originally in English by Puerto Rican playwright José Rivera, and set in pre-9/11 Manhattan, I will be collaborating with award-winning Filipino playwright Rody Vera to translate it into Filipino and adapt the setting to present-day Manila. I approached Rody last year about whether or not he could see Marisol adapted to the contemporary Philippines. After he read it, he said yes and I saw that we shared the same vision for the reimagination of Marisol – and so here we are!

Several themes allow me to believe that this transformation/ reimagination of José Rivera’s volatile and lush, though incredibly specific text is possible: the similar colonial subjectivity of Puerto Rico and the Philippines which allows for many literary, as well as religious symbols to be shared between the respective cultures, the motifs of poverty, violence, and urban disintegration that is entangled in the themes of revolution, politics, extremism, terrorism, and religion.

I believe that Marisol has very relevant themes that tie to both Philippine history and present day, and that the power of theatre as a collaborative art will allow these themes to be shared, explored, and examined. This sort of project allows for a dialogue between the cast and artistic team, who are of different cultures, to discuss the issues that are important and pressing in Filipino society today, within a framework that forces us to embody these discussions and topics on the stage and communicate them to our audience.


What will the adaptation look like?:

I read Marisol a few years ago. This text seems to be a story that I keep returning to – and after reading more of José Rivera’s plays I think I’ll always be returning to his incredible and phenomenal work. It is important to me that I stay true to Mr. Rivera’s vision and message for Marisol because I deeply respect his work and the specificity of his choices. I love the story. I want to stage his story, with his characters, and his vision and ideas, just reimagined in another country and cultural context.

Rody and I have discussed adjusting certain themes because the cultural context has changed. One of the themes that does not have a direct translation and will be significantly adapted is the idea of race, since race in an American context does not exist in the same way here. There is no direct parallel in Filipino culture for the racial dynamics of Puerto Ricans/African Americans/White Americans/Nazi skinheads. The idea must still be integrated into the text since it is such a major and specific theme in the play, but the context must change. One idea we have is to focus it on the concept of “cleansing” – in the same way that the Nazi skinhead is trying to racially and ethnically cleanse by burning to death homeless people of color in New York City, “police goons” are increasingly burning down squatter settlements in Metro Manila to make way for malls, condos, or just to “clean” areas of the impoverished.

We also want to examine the roles and relationships between the extremist, the church, and the poor. The image of the Angel and an angelic violent revolution brings up the complexity of the extremist as both “bad” and “good” at the same time. The “extremist” may advocate violence, but she also urges people to question deeply held beliefs and challenge entrenched institutions. This wanting of systemic change that is felt to be impossible is so relevant to the Philippines, a whole country that is gearing up for a revolution that right now is played out only in dreams. The Philippines is so connected to Marisol, a story about an angelic revolution that is a nightmare. I think in the same way that the first time reading Marisol was frightening and deeply moving for me, these topics will be frightening and jarring for a Filipino audience, but also incredibly exciting, meaningful and relevant.


My Vision for Marisol in the Philippines:

Being able to work and collaborate in adapting such a volatile script to another culture and country’s social realities will push me to examine and understand better Filipino society, help me pinpoint the links in how theatre is used to communicate socially relevant themes, as well as interact and share with artists who have lived in the Philippines all their lives and understand it on a level that I will never know. One way to learn is to do and create. This adaptation of Marisol is attempting to be a transnational work, reflective of contemporary Filipino sensibility.

Ultimately, this is what I hope for my production of Marisol – a growth and deeper understanding of Filipino culture, history, and reality for myself, my artistic team, as well as for an audience that is living in a current Philippine reality that is always shifting, richly complex and contradictory.


How you can help.

I'm trying to raise PHP 200,000 = USD 5,000 for the production costs of the show.

1) Donate. Any amount will help.
2) Spread the word.
3) Send me good vibes :)

Even if all you can do is number 3, I still really appreciate it!

BUT if you can spare number 1 - I've created a PayPal account, and you can swiftly and securely donate as much or as little as you can, by clicking on the DONATE button below















12.28.2007

Xmas in Narvacan, Ilocos Sur

Back from Narvacan!  It was great and overwhelming at times.
Boring and irritating at others.  
I'm a city girl at heart,
but I'm happy I went and looking forward to visiting in the future.

I should process and deconstruct this experience... but not now.

For Xmas I got a keychain and over 30 random bug bites.

Check out the pics.
Pictures from Xmas in the province!

I totally procrastinated an hours worth of work by downloading these pictures, so you better enjoy them.  
And I better get off Facebook and start working.
Back to the grind!

12.20.2007

Four Months.

How time flies by.
How things change.

My project has completely changed
I can't really define what I'm doing
I'm in crisis sometimes
afraid a lot of the time
torn and trying to move forward without one single example
trying to re/invent, re/define myself
all of the time

I'm the most unstable I've ever felt in my life
questioning fundamentals in myself that once i
took for granted....

And it's pure joy.

I am so happy.
I feel open now - open to
learning and healing
taking risks and being strong
loving myself as best as I can

Look at that. Looks like self-love.

I'm incredibly happy and can't imagine being anywhere else.
I'm busy and have made some fantastic friends.
It's beautiful here, and I feel like time is going so fast. Too fast sometimes. Though I know it's probably going at just the right pace.

Look at that. Looks like patience.

I'm about to embark on a HUGE project. Waiting for some green lights - then I'll be sure to write about it come next year. It's fucking scary and huge and I'm so afraid and excited and I don't know how it will turn out. But I'm jumping in.

Look at that. Looks like risk. Looks like self-confidence.

How time flies, how things change.

I'm off north to Ilocos Sur to visit family in Narvacan and Vigan for Christmas! Leaving tomorrow, and will be gone for a week, Dec. 21-27. I'll be back in Manila for New Year's.
Sorry I haven't written in three months. You know, life. Enjoy the pictures - they're of "The Silent Soprano" the show I assistant directed, and of my trip to Baguio with my cousin and niece.

Enjoy and MALIGAYANG PASKO!

Pictures of the last four months.
http://smith.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2035422&l=79c3c&id=5900906

10.19.2007

Explosion at Philippines Mall Kills 8

This afternoon, as I was getting ready to go to UP for rehearsal, I received a text from a friend telling me about the explosion and urging me to be careful. Shortly afterwards, I got a text from my cousin telling me to stay away from the malls because there was a bombing.

I turned on the TV expecting breaking news coverage on every channel. Nothing. Wala.

Several people at rehearsal mentioned the incident in passing.
When I got home, I googled it and found some coverage.

Explosion at Philippines Mall Kills 8
By OLIVER TEVES – 4 hours ago
The Associated Press

MANILA, Philippines (AP) — A powerful explosion ripped through three floors of a shopping mall in the heart of Manila's financial district Friday, killing eight people, injuring scores and sending police and troops on the highest state of alert.

President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo said "circumstances indicate it is highly probable that it was caused by an explosive device." The same mall was targeted by a bombing in 2000.

She said police and the military went on the highest alert and deployed an additional 2,000 personnel to secure public areas "to prevent a similar occurrence."

The afternoon explosion at the glitzy Glorietta 2 mall toppled roofs, destroyed walls, and sent debris crashing onto cars outside.

At least eight people were killed and about 130 were wounded, officials said.

Police Chief Inspector Raynold Rosero, deputy chief of the Philippine Bomb Data Center, said a bomb squad took swabs to identify the explosive responsible for the blast in Makati.

He said no bomb parts or fragments such as a detonating cord, switch or power source were immediately found in the area, which was damp with water possibly due to broken pipes.

National Security Adviser Norberto Gonzales said authorities were looking into a possible terrorist attack, but "there is no conclusive evidence yet."

Mario Em, a taxi driver, said he had just dropped two women off at the mall when the blast hurled the passengers against his vehicle, killing them instantly.

He said he pulled one of the victims, who was pregnant, from underneath his car.

Officials said the shock waves from the blast, which appeared to have originated near the delivery loading dock, shot through three floors of the mall as well as sideways.

Mae Ann Sison said her sister, Angelica Cortez, was on an escalator going down from the second floor when the blast tossed her in the air.

"She landed on the escalator and her right foot got caught in the escalator chain and she was hit by glass shards from shops around her," Sison said, adding a chunk of concrete hit her sister's head.

Al-Qaida-linked militants, who have waged a yearslong bloody bombing campaign in the southern Philippines, have targeted Manila before.

Makati city councilor Jejomar Binay Jr. said a bombing at the same mall in May 2000 that wounded 13 people was the work of Muslim extremists. Five months later, five nearly simultaneous bombs around Manila blamed on the al-Qaida-linked Abu Sayyaf and the Jemaah Islamiyah network killed 20 people and wounded about 100 others.

In 2004, Abu Sayyaf militants blew up a passenger ferry in Manila Bay, killing 116 people in the country's worst terrorist attack. The following year, four people were killed and dozens wounded when a bomb exploded on a Makati bus and two southern cities.

Several months ago, authorities were alerted to an alleged terror plot to plant bombs in Manila's business districts of Makati and Ortigas, said a government counterterrorism official, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak to the media.

People inside the mall scampered toward the exits when the blast shook the mall.

"One man who was in front of me was already dead. There was a child, but we don't know where the child is now," said Dennis Inigo, who was shopping at the time.

"The man's wife was with me a while ago, and her leg was shattered. Many people were falling on top of each other," he said. "It was loud, and then it became dusty."

Associated Press writers Teresa Cerojano and Jim Gomez contributed to this report.

More coverage:
Eight Dead in Philippines Blast, BBC.com
Blast Kills at Least 8 in Manila Mall, The New York Times
At Least 8 Dead in Makati Blast, The Manila Bulletin

10.13.2007

learning to ripen

Everything is gestation and bringing forth.
That alone is living the artist’s life – in understanding as in work.

There is no measuring with time, no year matters, and ten years are nothing. Being an artist means, not reckoning and counting, but ripening like [a] tree…. It comes only to the patient, who are there as though eternity lay before them, so unconcernedly still and wide.

I learn it daily, learn it with pain to which I am grateful…
– Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

i want it now:
to Know.
just,
to Know.

to know what and why
who what where when how
am I doing…

how are you doing?
kumusta ka?

and the truth is I am fine – better than fine -
surviving thriving
making friends and drinking red horse
out til late or
having people over for
more
beer and a smoke
a few
laughs or a bootleg movie.

and the truth is I am well – what else could I be? when
there are weekends with family to
catch up on the years that drowned between
Manila Bay and L.A.
eating napping talking
and
eating again
countering questions on sex
returning auntie’s kisses
receiving another plate of pancit
and listening until the stark light
of bare bulbs flicker on
across the city.

but
you know,
my truth is also
hungry yearning needy impatient
inside tearing ripping clawing
a young bright wanting
frantic desperate heaving
striving trying looking searching for
who what where when
how am I really doing
here.

and the truth is that it was gorgeous today an orange evening clear for miles
and i wondered to myself in that same breath of awe

How am I doing Here?

kumusta ako?
and the truth is 'di ko alam, po.
well, if you really want to know –

the truth is i want. every moment wanting
gasping awake sweating needing
answers to unsolvable questions
addresses to homes unknown or off limits

the truth is i hurt – more than hurt
i am ripped apart by my context and history and location
my fundamental selves at odds
bleeding
should i even be here?

the truth is i am dealing
coping negotiating my own issues
insecurities, identity
coming here to “find myself”
a me i have never seen
though
i am flesh and i exist
fractured and disparate yet sure and undeniable.

knowing that,
the truth is i cry.
weeping gratefully as the bare bulbs burn

This Made My Day.



Just watch. It's worth it. And any questions anyone had about my decision to go to Smith College will be answered.

9.24.2007

Finally, some proof!

It only took a month for the realization to sink in that I'm living in the Philippines.

Now that my own brain has realized it, so can yours!

Photos of my first month in the Philippines!

The link will take you to a public album on Facebook.com, and there is no need to register.